MY THOUGHTS ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS

     The title of my blog page is ADVENTURES IN TANZANIA, but I am going to take a step away from that for this blog post.  This post may be more for me to put down some thoughts that have been flowing through my brain than for others, but my hope is that it will be an encouragement to others also.  This past week I have listened to a sermon and watched a video about connections and vulnerability.  I have also read many blog posts and articles about mental illness.  I am on break from school this week, so I have had plenty of time to think about all of these things. 

     Many of you do not see a connection between mental illness, and vulnerability and connection, but to me they are all related.  I grew up with mental illness being a taboo subject.  Don’t talk about it, maybe it really doesn’t exist, but if it does and if you don’t talk about it maybe it will go away.  As I read about mental illness this week there were times that I wanted to scream “NO” at the people writing the articles, and my thoughts started to mingle with the sermon on connection and vulnerability.  Many times in my life I have sat back and listened to people make fun of people with mental illness or try to make an argument that mental illness doesn’t exist, pray more, lean into Christ more and it will go away.  This quote is from the article The Rise of Biblical Counseling by Kathryn Joyce, “ In 2013, 48 percent of self-identified evangelical, born-again, or fundamentalist Christians said they believe that conditions like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia can be treated with prayer alone (http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/evangelical-prayer-bible-religion-born-again-christianity-rise-biblical-counseling-89464/ ).”  Let me just tell you that mental illness is very real.  Anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder can be prayed away just as much as cancer, diabetes, and a broken arm can be prayed away.  There are two very important people in my life, and I am finding out there are more, that have dealt with and continue to deal with the reality of mental disorders.  It is not only hard on the person, but also on their family and friends just like any other illness, but what do you do when the Church doesn’t know what to do with it.  Where do these people and their families go for support?        

     Time to be vulnerable and share some of my story…in my experience you can’t just pray it away!  If people only knew that by saying these things you can really cause people to question God and who He really is.  My mom has bipolar disorder.  It is something that my family has had to learn to deal with over the years.  The signs of it started to show up when I was little, when she was first hospitalized.  At that time there was very little knowledge about mental illness not only in the church world, but also in the general public.  Our family kept moving forward and in my young mind I had no idea what happened, but eventually mom came home and everything went back to “normal”.  Many around my circle of influence probably didn’t understand what was happening in their adult minds, so how in the world would you describe it to a young child.  I have no idea how the church handled it at that time, as I don’t have a memory of it.

     I have a fair understanding of mental illness, but I will never be able to completely understand how after a few episodes with my mom things pretty much went back to normal.  I grew up not really thinking much about it.  As I moved off to college, things changed at home for my mom.   I was the youngest and the last one to leave the house.   I am not sure exactly what all caused it but the bipolar disorder came roaring “back” (not sure it ever left).  My mom went from bad to worse during my college years and ended up in the hospital numerous times.  She officially was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication that was most likely going to be for a lifetime. This past year she went off her medication again, and again ended up in the hospital.  In my experience with this, God for some reason has chosen not to take the bipolar disorder away.  It is something that my mom is probably going to have to deal with for the rest of her life.  I still pray for my mom and bipolar disorder, but my prayer is that she would realize the importance of her staying on her medication.  I pray that with the help of God and the medication that she would be able to live a “normal” life.  

     That is how vulnerability and mental illness relate in my life.  This has been HARD, to say the least.  It has been a journey that often times my family and I have had to walk through alone.  It doesn’t surprise me that almost half of evangelical Christians believe that things like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia can be prayed away.  I have experienced it.  I started believing that in college, if I just prayed harder and relied on God more the bipolar disorder would go away.  It didn’t go away and it actually got worse.  In the past few years as our family has walked through this I have learned to keep information guarded, because not everyone believes in mental illness.  The people around us at times have actually made it worse on us as a family saying things like, “you really don’t need to take medication,” to my mom.  Medication helps people with bipolar disorder, depression or any other mental disorder attempt to live a normal life.  My mom would go off the medication and go downhill and the people who believed that medication is bad and that mental illness doesn’t exist would unfortunately not be around to deal with the aftermath. 

     Why share all of this?  First of all I think people need to know they are not alone.  There are many people out there that are personally struggling with a mental disorder or who have family members who are walking through it.  They need help.  They need to know people are there for them, and they need to be treated like normal people.  Also as I have listened to sermons and videos this week I have been reminded of the importance of vulnerability in relation to connectivity.  In order to be connected you need to be vulnerable.  My mom dealing with bipolar disorder is a huge part of my life story.  I don’t want this to be a taboo subject.  I want people to freely express what they are experiencing and going through so we can help each other along in this journey called life!     

THE ROLLER COASTER CALLED LIFE!

This summer I got to go to Disney World with one of my friends.  One evening we went to Disney Quest, which is one big arcade (we had free tickets J)  One of the highlights of the night was getting to design our own roller coaster.  We got to pick loops, swirls, hills, and flat parts.  My body doesn't like lots of crazy twisty-turny things so we kept the roller coaster fairly simple.  The cool thing is after we designed it we actually got to ride on the roller coaster.  You got into this little capsule and buckled in for the ride.   Then they loaded your roller coaster and you took a virtual ride on it.  They had a stop button on it if the roller coaster you designed got to crazy, but it was pretty incredible. 

These past few weeks I have been thinking I wish I could design the roller coaster of my life.  I don't like twist and turns on roller coasters or in real life either.  I like predictable and organized.  I like to know what is going to happen next.  Let me just be plain honest I like to be in control of my life.  When I designed my own roller coaster I was in complete control of  how it was going to go and if I didn't like it I had a stop button.  The roller coaster called life is oh so different and my life here these last few weeks has felt at moments that my roller coaster is spinning out of control and there is no stop button.

There is someone that has designed this roller coaster though and He is in complete control.  He knows when we need a slow ride up or a spinning exciting ride down at breakneck speeds, just so we know we need to cling to HIM.  He knows when to allow us to time to catch our breath or to throw in a few more turns for adventure.  I just need to learn more how to sit back and enjoy the ride and completely trust God, which isn’t always easy.

So what does all of this have to do with my life here?  Well in the past few weeks I have realized how much transitioning back to Tanzania has been one crazy roller coaster ride.  It doesn't always go how you think it is going to go.  One moment things are going great, life is good, and the next you are looking up plane tickets to see when you can plan your escape route (ok maybe not that bad, but…).

These are just a few things that have been that happened a week or two ago that has made it feel like one long roller coaster ride...some thrilling and exciting parts screaming with joy other frightening and breath taking parts.

      1.  I spent a good part of a day two weeks ago attempting to get plane tickets for a student trip coming up in November.  After having a secretary make a phone call for me to see if it would be possible to get the discounted tickets they were offering that day, I started my trek to the local mall.  I was told that it would be possible to get the tickets at the discounted rate.  Only to wait in line, yes it was a line we were even given numbers, only to be told that it was not possible for me to get that many tickets at a discounted rate.  I was then given an email address of a person to contact for group sales.  Long story short it was an extremely frustrating and time consuming process that ended up with no tickets and a group price that was offered at a much higher rate than single tickets.  I was completely frustrated with the whole process and wanted off the roller coaster.

2.  An exciting part of the roller coaster these past few weeks has been coaching the U18 girls.  I have really enjoyed watching them work hard and begin to work together as a team.  Today they had their first match, and it was fun to see the joy on their faces as they saw their hard work pay off.  They won 7 – 1 and six different girls on the team scored. 

3.  Another part of the roller coaster that was smooth, but yet nerve-racking was going to the Tanzanian Revenue Authority to get my Tax Identification Number.  I needed this in order to officially be able to purchase my car.  The morning I was going I was extremely anxious.  I don’t like going into things not knowing exactly what the process is or what it will look like.  Thankfully we have a wonderful driver at school, whose name is Henry, that is amazing at helping with these kinds of things.  I was incredibly surprised at how smooth the process went.  The hardest part was the time it took us to get there because of the traffic.  We got there and he showed me where to go to fill out the paper work.  He then directed me to the place to hand in the paper work.  After that he realized I needed a copy of my passport, so he told me to wait and he ran across the street to get a copy.  Then I got my photo taken and finger printed.  I left about 30 minutes later with a TIN.  It was kind of like the climb to a top of a roller coaster where you are filled with anticipation, but then it gets to the top and releases and it is filled with fun and excitement.  This was a step towards me getting my car!

5.  The last part of the roller coaster ride of my life for these last few weeks was experiencing the joy of finalizing the purchase of my car.  Although the ups and downs of the process were a roller coaster in and of themselves, I am happy to say that I officially have a car in Tanzania.  The new registration is on it and the car is in my name.  It has given me a new level of freedom here in Tanzania.  I am absolutely loving it and extremely thankful that I was able to purchase it.  As far as driving here, I think that will have to be a whole other blog post.  Already thinking of ideas of how to develop a MarioKart video game of driving in DAR!

HOPAC HAS A P.E./ SPORTS DEPARTMENT !!!!

I am excited to introduce to you some new staff that have made me incredibly excited for moving things forward in the Physical Education and sports realm of HOPAC.

At the beginning of the school year last year things were a bit hectic. I was the only P.E. teacher for grades K-12th grade at the school.  I ended up only teaching 6th - 10th grade and trying to help organize some students to teach K-5th grade.  I was also the sports coordinator and the swimming coordinator.  Quite frankly after about 4 weeks I was very thankful that I was going back to the States for an extended period of time, starting in December  By the time December hit I was beyond exhausted.  I say this only to let you know how excited and thankful I am to have others around me this year.

So let me introduce you to the people I am working with....

 Teddy Dellesky is teaching K-2 Physical Education.
He is also teaching a variety of other subjects.  He arrived
last year a couple of weeks before I left.

Costa Mrema is teaching 3rd - 8th Grade P.E. and also helping
to organize buses for after-school sports activities.  He has worked at
 the school for a very long time, but more in a operations management position.
He started taking over my P.E. classes a few weeks before I left last year.

Jowelle Obango is the swimming coordinator and teaching K-5th
swimming classes.

Gwakisa Mwambungu is the sports coordinator assistant.
He started helping me last year, and will continue to help this year.
He is helping to coach 2 soccer teams.  He also helps to make sure fields
and equipment are ready for practices and games.

So you may ask what do I do since I have all these other people around me, helping to run P.E. and Sports.  I still teach 9th and 10th Grade P.E.  I am also helping to continue to develop the P.E. curriculum.  I am excited about a K-6th grade curriculum that was just purchased and starting to be implemented.  Finally I am the sports coordinator.  Basically organizing all after-school sports opportunities for K-12th grade.  I am also helping to coach the under 18 girls soccer team.

This week we started soccer and swimming.  There are 12 football coaches and about 100 students playing on 6 teams.  Elementary swimming has 2 coaches and over 30 swimmers. My job is to make sure all of this runs smoothly.  Equipment ready, fields lined, transportation provided for after practice, transportation set up for away games, game scheduling with other schools, uniforms for each team, etc.

SO VERY THANKFUL for the team of people I have to work with!!!!!

Please to continue to pray for HOPAC and all of the staff

!

AMERICA CHANGES YOU...thoughts from my first few days back in Tanzania!

My journey back to Tanzania started last Monday when I woke up at 3:30a.m. to get my last nice long hot shower.  After stopping for Dunkin Donuts coffee, later some breakfast, and sitting in traffic I finaly made it to the airport around 9:00a.m.  I checked in my 4 bags very quickly as I was able to check in at business class!  YES BUSINESS CLASS! (was able to upgrade my ticket for the long flight using miles) It was then time for the final goodbye.  It has been routine to only allow my friend Steph to take me to the airport since the beginning.  I say my goodbyes to my family and other friends before that.  I absolutely hate goodbyes so I have found the less I have to do at the airport the better.  I am usally good at holding back any emotion during the goodbyes it is usually after that I have a good cry after each goodbye and then I am better.  For some reason this time I it didn't come after each goodbye, as if reality didn't set in until I stepped into the airport, and checked my bags in and then it hit.  After 8 months of being around my family for all the major holidays and birthdays, being able to text my friends from the states on a whim and do things with them, I was now leaving that for the next 11 months.  I still knew that God was calling me to get on that plane and fly to Tanzania, but I also know that each time I leave behind my family and friends from the States it gets harder and harder. 

After riding the first leg on Business Class, I was spoiled.  The food is better, the seats recline so that it feels like you are laying in a bed, and you get your own little table storage area.  It was amazing.  Then I was back to the regular seats for the last leg of my flight.  I made it to Tanzania and quickly passed through customs only to wait on my luggage.  Then the memories of what it is like to live here began, and I began to realize how much AMERICA DOES CHANGE YOU!

(These are just my reflections, not to meant to be positive or negative, just what was going through my head as I returned).

* personal space-- In America its just expected and given. You have personal space and others don't invade it.  Well my Tanzanian brain flipped back on so I knew I needed to go get a cart for my luggage and claim a space as close to the luggage belt as I could.  I had the thought to make myself as big as possible so that my space would not be overtaken.  I kept my bookbag on, which was quite big at this point, because I had stuffed my sweatshirt into it.  The guy behind me for about 30 minutes insisted on talking with his hands, and every time he did he had no problem with bumping into my bookbag.  I found myself getting extremely annoyed and thinking does he not realize he keeps hitting me?  As I did that though I also had to smile as an obvious tourist was standing beside me but back from the luggage belt a few steps.  About the time I was thinking she really needs to move closer, another girl slipped in front of her.  The toursit looked annoyed, but all I could do was smile and realize I was back in Tanzania. 

* Patience...I have lost it.  I thought I was getting better at this before leaving Tanzania, but as I returned I realized that America caused me to lose every once of patience I had.  It just isn't tested on a daily basis.  I was so excited to see familar faces when I stepped out of the airport (thank you Ben, Lauren, and Zwadi for picking me up).  I decided before leaving the airport I would "quickly" exchange money, get a sim card for my phone, and buy internet credit.  The money exchange and the internet credit were smooth.  The sim card.....after waiting for 30 min or so they said I couldn't buy one because their network was down :(  There was tons of traffic on the way home, so again patience was tested.  The next day I went to the mall to see if I could get my old phone number back.  After asking and deciding to just get a new sim card the guy told me but our network is down right now (hmm strike 2).  He gladly told me that the store is open till 6:00 though so I could gladly stick around until then to see if the network would come back up.  It was 2:00 at the time, so I quickly said thanks, but no thanks.  I also got frustrated when checking out at the grocery store.  Could she really scan my items any slower?  Then I thought why do we do it so fast in America, why are we so in a hurry that even the person checking us out must go at super speed. 

*Walking pace...I know I have always been a fast walker, but I don't think I realized how fast until I came back here.  Although I did do an experiement in Disney when I tried to walk as slow as the people around me and I just couldn't do it.  In America in stores and on the streets most people walk at a very brisk pace.  Everyone always has somewhere to go and something to do.  As I was walking through the mall, I realized as compared to everyone else around me I was walking extremely fast.  I have been reminded that things here just move at a much slower pace, and it isn't bad I just need to adjust to it again. 

These are just a few things I have observed in the last few days.  I will have to talk about more in my next post. 

Honest thoughts about returning to Tanzania!

Where did the past 8 months go?  It went so fast I didn't even take the time to blog about it! So here is my attempt at restarting the blogging process with thoughts on returning back to Tanzania. 

In the past few weeks as I have processed returning to Tanzania for my next term of service these are some thoughts I have had...

I love what I do in Tanzania and I can't wait to get back to HOPAC and continue to do the work that God has called me to do there!
Do I have to get on the plane, I really don't want to leave?
I hate goodbyes!!!!
I am so excited to see my friends in Tanzania!
How am I ever going to get back into living in Tanzania...I don't want to deal with the bugs, heat, traffic, lack of electricity, and languague difficulties. 
I can't wait to live in one house and have all my stuff in one place again!
Is it really going to be 1 year till I get to see my family and friends in the States again? Why is it that 1 year seems so long to me and many others seemingly easily stay away for 2 to 4 years without coming back?  Maybe I am not a good enough missionary or committed enough to what I do? 
I can't wait to continue to help the students at HOPAC have as many opportunities to play sports as possible.
How can I continue to develop relationships with other schools through sports and share the love of Jesus with them? 
Will I ever feel settled in a place again or do I even want to? 

Yes these thoughts are all completely random things that have been running through my brain in the past few weeks.  The awesome thing is that through it all I know that I am going to serve exactly where God wants me to be.  I have a deep sense of peace about returning to Tanzania to teach at HOPAC.  I am so thankful that I have a God that can handle my doubts and questions.  I am so thankful that even though it might be harder than it has been in the past to step on the plane that God is going to be right there by my side.  I have learned that one reason it is so difficult to leave here is because I have amazing family and friends that have been such an encouragement to me. Thank you all who have made my stay here possible and so very enjoyable that it is difficult to leave.  Thank you for your continued support and prayers as I embark on the next part of the journey that God has for me.  I am so blessed to have so many people behind me and encouraging me to continue doing what God has called me to do.

Looking forward to having this view every morning again!